Jake and I have been married for about three and a half years now. Before and during our marriage, we were warned countless times that there are some topics that cause more couple-disputes than others. It wasn't difficult to guess that money was the top issue.
We didn't live under rocks during college. We had heard this, seen it, known it. And so, going into our marriage, it was almost an unspoken truth that money would never become a relationship issue. It would be highly unrealistic to promise it would never be an issue, as many newlyweds (especially those going through Grad School) are guaranteed to be closer to poverty than riches, but it was even more than important to make sure it never became a relationship issue.
And so, college degrees and debt in hand, we embarked on the craziness of becoming "real adults". Weaning ourselves from support from our parents, while keeping necessary ones (like health insurance), always working more than full-time (but not yet at benefit/good salary yielding jobs), we jumped into our first year of marriage.
The First Year
Financially, this year was the hardest. I was in grad school a month after our wedding, and we had a mountain of debt from student loans. I was good with numbers, Jake was good with making due. We were armed with an affordable apartment, part time jobs that would give us more than full time hours, and a dedication to make it.
The first thing we did- even before getting married- was open a joint Bank Account. We believed, and still do, that marriage truly joins two separate people into one. "What's mine is ours" was more than a vow, it was an ingrained truth. Each of us had equal financial power with the checking and savings accounts, and each of our personal accounts were closed. At the time, we got our direct deposit paychecks at the exact same time, as we were working at the same job. Gift checks from our wedding were made out to both of us. The little cash we had flowed between the two of us as if we were just holding it for the other. Even our language regarding money was always "we" and "ours". This was our first act of financial accountability to each other, and to our brand-new two-person family.
We quickly learned that our affordable apartment was not commute-friendly to work or Grad School. My days were spent student teaching in the morning, then going straight to class or work. On Wednesdays, my day off from teaching, we started our morning babysitting and our evening at work. Whenever I was in class, Jake was at work. On lucky days, he was able to pull a double-shift while I taught and went to class. Unfortunately, we lived in Huntington Beach, I went to school in Costa Mesa, and we worked in Irvine. We drove in traffic, no matter where we were going, because our schedule matched the rush hour schedule. We either had to compromise convenience and sanity, or money to our gas-guzzling cars.
That choice was made for us at the most inconvenient of times- Jake was coming to see a Grad School presentation (and was bringing necessary items) when he discovered a flat tire. Changing it in his dress shirt in Huntington Beach, he made it to Costa Mesa just in time. After getting home and inspecting the remaining tires, we discovered they all needed replacing so badly that we didn't trust driving it.
So could we sacrifice our sanity or our money? We had no extra money for 4 new Ford Explorer tires. Goodbye, sanity. For the next 6 months or so, we had to share a car. When I taught, we both were out of the house by 6:30 to get to school by 7:15. For the first half, he was able to carpool with his old roommate to work if I had class, or drop me off if we both were going to work after school.
Soon, Jake got the opportunity to move up with the company. His new job was temporary, if they liked him they could hire him on permanently. With his new job Jake didn't start work until 8, and could no longer carpool with a friend, so I would drop him off at a Costa Mesa bus stop by 7. The bus, of course, dropped him off a mile away, and downhill from his office. After work, if the busses were still running, he would take it to my job or Grad School. I finished each around 10 pm. Any time I could, I would arrange to be picked up, or hitch a ride with gracious friends so he could have the car. Either way, one of us was away from our apartment and our own transportation from 7am to 10pm. This was brutal on our energy and our sanity, but each of us was always more willing than the other to make the sacrifice. This was our second act of financial accountability to each other.
Student loans are sneaky. They are acquired gradually, in manageable amounts, but quickly add up. The interest is clearly stated, but not fully understood by many bright-eyed college students. After you graduate, you get a 6 month grace period! So gracious! After all, every college graduate gets a great paying job in the 6 months after college. What, you didn't? Neither did we.
Jake's loan payments started coming, which is when we really started scrimping. This is the main reason we were not able to get new tires. As I was the numbers person, I was in charge of writing checks and paying bills. (Side-note: my handwriting is also WAY better, and legible checks are important.) My student loans wouldn't come due until 6 months after grad school, but talking about it like that didn't line up with our views on "our" money. These talks were confusing. These talks were awkward. These talks made us sad.
But these talks were important.
These were the talks where we really committed to the truth that we were (are) one. If Jake's paycheck was our paycheck, then Jake's debt was our debt. My debt was our debt. My lotto winnings were our lotto winnings! Sike- We never won the lottery. These talks were where we committed, again, to becoming one. Neither of us would ever let the other carry the burden or guilt of student loans, no matter how large. At the time, my student loans were much larger, and this took a heavy weight off of my shoulders. Jake literally was not just willing, but was insistent on carrying the weight for me. And I, of course would do the same. Years later, when discovering a loan of Jake's that did not contact him, he would feel a guilt heavier than I did. We had this same conversation all over again, this time with me forcing the weight off of his shoulders, and onto mine, so that he could breathe. The bottom line was: we are one, we equally share every financial joy, decision, and burden. This was our third act of financial accountability to each other.
Jake and I were very proud. We both had successful high school times, went away to a wonderful college, graduated with degrees and good GPAs, and never had trouble finding work. We worked from high school through college graduation and tried out different money habits. We had strengthened out faith and grown in our years away from home, had found each other, and had had a blast at our wedding. We had few bad habits, good health, and loving family and friends. I wish we knew then what we know now: "Pride comes before destruction..." (Proverbs 16:18). Of course, we knew it, in our heads, but we didn't truly know it in our hearts. And Grad School is expensive.
Orange County is not a cheap place to live. That was okay, we had calculated for that. Food is pricey if you aren't careful. That was okay, we were carefully eating left overs, cooking from scratch, and packing our lunches (and dinners). Entertainment is a luxury. That was okay, we didn't have time for movies or shopping anyways. And Grad School is expensive. And, as it turns out, offers little financial aid. This was not okay. We had skated through our Undergrad with scholarships, savings, student loans, part time jobs, and parents. In that, we had eaten through our complete savings, and I now had a tiny scholarship and no approved student loans. Grad School takes as many hours as a full time job, even up to 50 hours a week (not including homework), which left weekends and Friday evenings to work.
I had a choice: find a way to get through Grad School and get my teaching credential so I could set myself up for a career and a steady paycheck, or work part-time and hourly jobs for the foreseeable future. It was now or never- I had to finish. The problem is, they don't let you finish if you don't pay. I was on a monthly payment plan to ease the stress, which really just meant I had smaller stress every month instead of a huge stress at each semester. We added hours, we worked overtime, we attempted odd jobs, we pinched every penny. It still wasn't enough. We didn't want to, but we had one option we hadn't exhausted. We could ask for help. It felt like giving up. We talked about how it felt like giving up. It came down to asking for help, or dropping out of school. And so, after much prayer and many talks, we asked for help. God and our families were gracious, and we were able to pay for Grad School. I finished after 2 semesters with a 4.0 and a teaching credential. It was difficult, and incredibly humbling, but it was was exactly what we needed, and we agreed we I could not have finished school without the help. Through this, our relationship was never strained or damaged because of our openness, honesty, and commitment. This was our fourth act of financial accountability to each other.
Our first financial year was tough, but we always knew that our relationship was a priority over money. It was full of struggles, and had few triumphs, but as we finished it, we were looking toward a second financial year with more hope than before. We felt as if we had gone through the toughest financial times, and if we could get through it without fighting once about money, there was financial hope for us yet. After all, my credential was completed, my Master's Degree was on hold pending the money and time set aside prior to starting, and I was now able to easily work three jobs simultaneously. Jake was a permanent employee, and got a small raise, and we decided to move closer to our jobs. The Second Year was looking brighter. Not perfect, but decidedly brighter.
Read on for The Second Year
Read on for The Third Year
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